Breaking News: Trump Re-Instates Martin Birch. Says He “Promises to Make Iron Maiden Albums Great Again!”

In an off the cuff press conference televised via CNN-4 (The Quatro), President Trump shocked the metal world when he took to the podium to make the following speech:

“You know that Iron Maiden is the best.  I know what the best is and like me, Iron Maiden is the best.  They have the best music.  Steve Harris?  He’s phenomenal and Janick Gers?  He has the best moves. Nobody has better stage moves than Janick.  Nobody.  But Iron Maiden has failed America with their recordings for far too long.  Not mastering A Matter of Life and Death?  What was that about?  I told them, “Master that album and the numbers will be huge.  Look what happened.”

Trump went on to say, “While The Final Frontier sounded pretty good, their other albums.  Terrible.  And those albums with Blaze Bayley?  What a bald doof.  Even my friend Kim and VP (Vladimir Putin) agree that there hasn’t been a great sounding album since “Fear of the Dark.”  I want to make Iron Maiden great again so I am officially re-instating the great Martin Birch as producer for all future Iron Maiden recordings.”

Over The Top Metal News reached out to legendary producer Martin Birch about this and he said, “Well, Trump had me deported so he’s just gonna have to live with Kevin Shirley and is fucking earless, balless production style.  Fuck that wanker and fuck Shirley as well” as he continued onto his 7th pint of Guinness from a pub in London.

We also reached out to Kevin Shirley for a comment and all he said was, “Yes, ‘arry.”  We’re not quite sure what was up with that.

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White Wizzard’s Jon Leon to Release New Book: How To Succeed in Failing in the Music Business

White Wizzard’s Jon Leon has announced that he will be releasing his new book, How To Succeed in Failing In the Music Business .  Leon has signed an exclusive distribution deal with Dollar Tree where his book How To Succeed in Failing In the Music Business will be available on August 14th, 2018.

“I’m really stoked to have this book deal with Dollar Tree”, says Leon.  “I couldn’t think of the more perfect place to exclusively sell my book.  This book is going to have everything that you need to know to fail in the music business just has hard and relentless I did.”

How to Fail at the Music Business is going to feature chapters such as “How to Pose For Selfies”, “How to Post Frequently on Facebook”, and there are two very important chapters.  “How to Hire and Lose a Singer Three Times is a great chapter to read.  I mean, this is a must read.  I managed to get Wyatt Anderson not one, not two, but three times.  It’s truly a skill.”  Another very important chapter in the book is “How to Successfully Not Follow Through on a Kickstarter Campaign.”

“I can’t give it all away”, says Leon, “but any and everyone knows that I am the king of Kickstarter campaigns.  I probably owe about 45 shirts, 24 signed albums, and a shit ton of stickers in my call girl’s apartment yet I still managed to get all the money to make a couple of albums  And how about that life time guest list?  BOOM!  Band’s broken up!”

You can read more about Jon Leon’s secret in How To Succeed in Failing In the Music Business when it comes out on August 14th at Dollar Tree’s nationwide.  Leon will be holding a book signing at the Vine St. location in Los Angeles  The signing begins at 9am.  Call 323-871-8038 to RSVP.


Country Star Blake Shelton Announces New Death Metal Supergroup: KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH

Country Star Blake Shelton recently announced his plans to record and tour with his new death metal band, KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH.  Over the Top reached out to Shelton for some details on this new project.

“Man, I’ve always loved me summa that there death metal.  I mean, even summa them there death metal dudes made country albums.  That hoss from Behindmeth (we think he means Behemoth) and that there dude from Morbid Angel did country albums so hell, why not.  I assembled the best fucking band I could get.  One of them dudes is so fucking good that he can’t move but can still play guitar better than Brad Paisley so go eat shit Bradley!”

KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH‘s debut album,”From the Depths of Hell’s Fryer” will be released in the fall and feature songs such as “Finger Fucking Good”, “Coors Light From a Skull”, “Sibling Death Orgy”, and an extreme metal cover of “Friends in Low Places.”

KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH is:
Blake Shelton: Vocals/Downtuned Acoustic Guitar
Mike Portnoy: Drums
Jason Becker: Guitar
Abbath: Guitar
Jon Leon: Bass Guitar/Twitter/Facebook/Instagram Posts

 


Dio Hologram Passes Out From Boredom Mid-Performance!

The Dio Hologram Tour featuring Dio Disciples was in full effect overseas in Europe and the response definitely seemed to be mixed.  Our overseas correspondent Hans Clappier was at the Cologne performance where he covered the performance.  The show kicked off with the Dio Hologram as the his former band trudged through “King of Rock N’ Roll.”  After this the band was joined by Monster Energy Drink mascot and failed Judas Priest singer Tim “Ripper” Owens and former Lynch Mob singer Oni Logan.  Nobody really seems to get just how Logan has a career in music but that’s beside the point.

Midway through the show, the band lifelessly went into “Holy Diver.”  When the it was time for the vocals to kick in, hologram Dio was passed out standing up leaning on his hologram microphone.  The poor hologram was bored to death by his lifeless band.  A hologram tech was sent out on stage to wake up Ronnie and from there on he managed to stay awake for the other songs that he performed that night.  Hans even reported that at one point during the set, a road crew member came out on stage and held a mirror under guitarist Craig Goldie’s face to make sure he was still breathing.

Dio Disciples actually had invited hologram Jimmy Bain on stage to jam with them on “Man on the Silver Mountain” but he had done a bunch of hologram heroin backstage and was unable to perform.  This magical evening of music and magic is set to hit the states sometimes in the summer.  Hans tried to get an interview with hologram Dio after the show but unfortunately the projector had been packed away.  We’re still confused as to how he would’ve interviewed hologram Dio but hey, in this day and age, anything is possible.

 


Watain Vocalist Disappointed in Lack of Turnout for Post Show BBQ

“Where is everyone?” Sad Emoji

Erik Danielsson of Watain is sitting on the back bumper of their tour bus and he isn’t happy.  As a matter of fact, he looks Eeyore who just lost his tail for 100th time.  Why is he so sad?  Because after their most recent Atlanta performance, nobody attended his post show BBQ which was held in the alley where the busses are parked.

“I just don’t understand it” said Danielsson with a look of sadness upon his corpse painted face.  “I spent all of this money on this meat months ago.  Goat heads, pig heads, and the finest road kill the southeast has to offer.”  Danielsson went on to say, “America doesn’t realize how lucky they are.  You people have the finest road kill on the planet and it’s just there to waste.  We go through a lot of trouble to collect it, mount it on our upside down crosses and tridents and even cook them on stage.  The aroma is undeniable and the cuts are cooked to perfection.  Why would anybody pass on this?”

Over the Top asked a few fans out front shortly after vomiting their entire stomach contents if they had any plans to attend the BBQ.   When asked for details about it they began puking more.

The rest of the band couldn’t be reached for questioning because they were indulging themselves on the venues catering.  Danielsson just sat alone at the bus eating the remains of an armadillo that died 3 days ago just shaking his head in disbelief.  “Where did I go wrong, my dark lord?  Where?”


Gary Holt “… pretty fucking bummed” That He’ll Now Have To Play Guitar in Exodus Full Time.

Related imageNow that Slayer has announced their farewell tour, it looks like Gary Holt will be forced back into playing in his own band Exodus full time… and he’s pretty fucking bummed about it.

“My time in Slayer has been a fucking dream, man” says Holt.  “It was such an honor to play beside these guys and I really learned a lot.  I got some sick ass guitar picks made and now I’m just gonna toss them out at Exodus shows like it’s fucking Mardi Gras, brah.”  When asked what he’ll miss the most about being in Slayer: “I got to ride in a fucking rad ass bus, I had great food every day, and we played some pretty fucking amazing shows but now that it’s all coming to an end, it’s back to riding in our tour bus with no fucking A/C and Lunchables and store brand soda backstage.  I’m pretty fucking bummed.”

Holt also expressed his disappointment in the expectations of his Exodus bandmates upon his return from Slayer.  “It’s fucking crazy bruh.  I had to learn how to play the guitar all over again.  Being in Slayer for so long I could pretty much just fall down on top of my guitar and roll around on it and a solo would just come out.  Now I’ve gotta, like, play good again.  Man…”

The position that had previously been advertised for subletting is no longer available now that Holt will be playing shithole dives and eating Nilla Wafers backstage with Exodus from here on out.

Exodus just hit the road with Municipal Waste as part of the Mr. Pickles Thrash Extravaganza Tour.  If you see him, give him some ham or something since he’s really going to be missing those quality backstage meats.


Iron Maiden Introduces New Beer From Robinsons Brewery: Tears of Blaze Bitter Ale

Robinsons Brewery has announced another flavor to be joining the Iron Maiden beer family.  Bruce Dickinson partnered with Robinsons Brewery for the original Trooper Ale.  After it became a monumental success the brewery released two other beers: Hallowed and Light Brigade.  Joining the Iron Maiden beer family, Bruce Dickinson and Robinsons Brewery are proud to introduce their latest masterpiece:

Bruce Dickinson and Robinsons Brewery have announced that their new creation, TEARS OF BLAZE. When asked to describe the idea behind this beer, Bruce Dickinson had this to say:

“When Robinsons approached me after our successful Iron Maiden line about coming up with a new beer, I thought to myself, “What better beer than to come up with one honoring the fallen hero of Iron Maiden, Blaze Bayley.  I mean, he didn’t die or anything but the poor chap got canned.  After a night of drinking, ‘arry managed to capture his tears in a shot glass and save them for some odd reason.  When I found this out I thought it would be brilliant to add the tears of Blaze Bayley to the malt in order to honor him.

1/1o of the proceeds of each 12 pack sold will go towards the Blaze Bayley Hair Restoration Fund.  “Have you seen the bloke’s head?” said Dickinson.  “The poor sod looks like Pizza the Hutt from Space Balls.  I mean, I took the poor lad’s job.  It’s the least I can do for him.”  During a recent taste test, one drinker described the beer it detail:

Amber filtered with moderate carbonation, topped with 2 fingers of light amber head.

Smells very malt forward, with hints of caramel, black tea, citrus and failure.

Tastes very bitter and even had a depressive quality that pervades the last 2/3 of the palate. Slight acidity and saltiness (probably from the tears) to it as well.

Light body, moderate to low carbonation, felt absolutely beaten down by life after finishing it.

Tears of Blaze will be hitting stores Worldwide staring on April 1, 2o18.