Dio Hologram Passes Out From Boredom Mid-Performance!

The Dio Hologram Tour featuring Dio Disciples was in full effect overseas in Europe and the response definitely seemed to be mixed.  Our overseas correspondent Hans Clappier was at the Cologne performance where he covered the performance.  The show kicked off with the Dio Hologram as the his former band trudged through “King of Rock N’ Roll.”  After this the band was joined by Monster Energy Drink mascot and failed Judas Priest singer Tim “Ripper” Owens and former Lynch Mob singer Oni Logan.  Nobody really seems to get just how Logan has a career in music but that’s beside the point.

Midway through the show, the band lifelessly went into “Holy Diver.”  When the it was time for the vocals to kick in, hologram Dio was passed out standing up leaning on his hologram microphone.  The poor hologram was bored to death by his lifeless band.  A hologram tech was sent out on stage to wake up Ronnie and from there on he managed to stay awake for the other songs that he performed that night.  Hans even reported that at one point during the set, a road crew member came out on stage and held a mirror under guitarist Craig Goldie’s face to make sure he was still breathing.

Dio Disciples actually had invited hologram Jimmy Bain on stage to jam with them on “Man on the Silver Mountain” but he had done a bunch of hologram heroin backstage and was unable to perform.  This magical evening of music and magic is set to hit the states sometimes in the summer.  Hans tried to get an interview with hologram Dio after the show but unfortunately the projector had been packed away.  We’re still confused as to how he would’ve interviewed hologram Dio but hey, in this day and age, anything is possible.

 

Advertisements

Watain Vocalist Disappointed in Lack of Turnout for Post Show BBQ

“Where is everyone?” Sad Emoji

Erik Danielsson of Watain is sitting on the back bumper of their tour bus and he isn’t happy.  As a matter of fact, he looks Eeyore who just lost his tail for 100th time.  Why is he so sad?  Because after their most recent Atlanta performance, nobody attended his post show BBQ which was held in the alley where the busses are parked.

“I just don’t understand it” said Danielsson with a look of sadness upon his corpse painted face.  “I spent all of this money on this meat months ago.  Goat heads, pig heads, and the finest road kill the southeast has to offer.”  Danielsson went on to say, “America doesn’t realize how lucky they are.  You people have the finest road kill on the planet and it’s just there to waste.  We go through a lot of trouble to collect it, mount it on our upside down crosses and tridents and even cook them on stage.  The aroma is undeniable and the cuts are cooked to perfection.  Why would anybody pass on this?”

Over the Top asked a few fans out front shortly after vomiting their entire stomach contents if they had any plans to attend the BBQ.   When asked for details about it they began puking more.

The rest of the band couldn’t be reached for questioning because they were indulging themselves on the venues catering.  Danielsson just sat alone at the bus eating the remains of an armadillo that died 3 days ago just shaking his head in disbelief.  “Where did I go wrong, my dark lord?  Where?”


Gary Holt “… pretty fucking bummed” That He’ll Now Have To Play Guitar in Exodus Full Time.

Related imageNow that Slayer has announced their farewell tour, it looks like Gary Holt will be forced back into playing in his own band Exodus full time… and he’s pretty fucking bummed about it.

“My time in Slayer has been a fucking dream, man” says Holt.  “It was such an honor to play beside these guys and I really learned a lot.  I got some sick ass guitar picks made and now I’m just gonna toss them out at Exodus shows like it’s fucking Mardi Gras, brah.”  When asked what he’ll miss the most about being in Slayer: “I got to ride in a fucking rad ass bus, I had great food every day, and we played some pretty fucking amazing shows but now that it’s all coming to an end, it’s back to riding in our tour bus with no fucking A/C and Lunchables and store brand soda backstage.  I’m pretty fucking bummed.”

Holt also expressed his disappointment in the expectations of his Exodus bandmates upon his return from Slayer.  “It’s fucking crazy bruh.  I had to learn how to play the guitar all over again.  Being in Slayer for so long I could pretty much just fall down on top of my guitar and roll around on it and a solo would just come out.  Now I’ve gotta, like, play good again.  Man…”

The position that had previously been advertised for subletting is no longer available now that Holt will be playing shithole dives and eating Nilla Wafers backstage with Exodus from here on out.

Exodus just hit the road with Municipal Waste as part of the Mr. Pickles Thrash Extravaganza Tour.  If you see him, give him some ham or something since he’s really going to be missing those quality backstage meats.


Iron Maiden Introduces New Beer From Robinsons Brewery: Tears of Blaze Bitter Ale

Robinsons Brewery has announced another flavor to be joining the Iron Maiden beer family.  Bruce Dickinson partnered with Robinsons Brewery for the original Trooper Ale.  After it became a monumental success the brewery released two other beers: Hallowed and Light Brigade.  Joining the Iron Maiden beer family, Bruce Dickinson and Robinsons Brewery are proud to introduce their latest masterpiece:

Bruce Dickinson and Robinsons Brewery have announced that their new creation, TEARS OF BLAZE. When asked to describe the idea behind this beer, Bruce Dickinson had this to say:

“When Robinsons approached me after our successful Iron Maiden line about coming up with a new beer, I thought to myself, “What better beer than to come up with one honoring the fallen hero of Iron Maiden, Blaze Bayley.  I mean, he didn’t die or anything but the poor chap got canned.  After a night of drinking, ‘arry managed to capture his tears in a shot glass and save them for some odd reason.  When I found this out I thought it would be brilliant to add the tears of Blaze Bayley to the malt in order to honor him.

1/1o of the proceeds of each 12 pack sold will go towards the Blaze Bayley Hair Restoration Fund.  “Have you seen the bloke’s head?” said Dickinson.  “The poor sod looks like Pizza the Hutt from Space Balls.  I mean, I took the poor lad’s job.  It’s the least I can do for him.”  During a recent taste test, one drinker described the beer it detail:

Amber filtered with moderate carbonation, topped with 2 fingers of light amber head.

Smells very malt forward, with hints of caramel, black tea, citrus and failure.

Tastes very bitter and even had a depressive quality that pervades the last 2/3 of the palate. Slight acidity and saltiness (probably from the tears) to it as well.

Light body, moderate to low carbonation, felt absolutely beaten down by life after finishing it.

Tears of Blaze will be hitting stores Worldwide staring on April 1, 2o18.

 


Alcoholism on the Rise At ProgPower: Crowd Driven to Drink Following Mike Portnoy’s 12 Step Suite

Last night at ProgPower was a night of absolute destruction following Mike Portnoy’s Shattered Fortress performance of his very humble and non-preachy “12 Step Suite.”  The crowd was all alive for the beginning of the performance then suddenly things started to happen.  I noticed people suddenly getting agitated, getting bored, and even nodding off when all of the sudden, somebody whipped out a flask full of Jamison and started passing it around.

Energee Sapphire – Now an alcoholic

ProgPower attendee Energee Sapphire says to me, “I don’t know what happened but all of the sudden I was suddenly driven to drink.  The noise, the music, the inflating of Mike Portnoy’s head on stage was just too much for me to handle.  Next thing I knew, everyone was drinking and passing out and even puking.  We tried to get Mike to stop but he just kept playing causing everyone to drink.  Now, here I am, 8:30am and I’m still drinking.  I am now an alcoholic thanks to Mike Portnoy.”

Similar stories popped up.  Zakk Mendoza said, “It was just so unbelievable.  One moment I was up against the stage yelling for “Pull Me Under” and the next thing I know I’m lying in a bathroom at DiVinci’s Pizza covered in my own piss and reeking of alcohol.  It’s fucking 9am on Saturday.  What the fuck, bro?

Zakk Mendoza Just 10 Minutes into 12 Step Suite

ProgPower Promoter Glenn Harveston refused to comment on this as he is currently fleeing the country to escape persecution for the disappointing 2018 line up.  As for Mike Portnoy, his “12 Step Suite” is now going to be considered illegal to perform due to this tragic epidemic that it has caused in Atlanta.

A director at the CDC who chose to remain nameless due to being a Freedom Call fan said, “There’s no need to believe that this is anything more than an isolated incident.  As long as Mr. Portnoy stops playing this horrible piece of music, this shouldn’t happen again.  As a matter of fact, we may work with Mr. Portnoy to see about getting them to play it backwards to see if it actually cures alcoholism.”


Will ProgPower Fan Lose His Virginity?: “This is the year!”, He Says.

Ian (far right) Is Ready To Lose It at ProgPower 2017

37 year old Ian Schandierk from Billings, Montana is attending his 10th ProgPowerUSA festival in Atlanta, GA this weekend.  While he is “beyond stoked” to be there seeing a bunch of bands he’s pretending that he’s heard of (like everyone else in attendance), he is also psyched about another thing:  Losing his virginity.

“It’s been a long time coming” says Ian.  “I have been attending these festivals for 10 years and I’m always too shy to approach the girls at the shows but this year, I lost 3 lbs and switched over from Craft Beer to Miller Lite so I’m feeling pretty good about myself.”  When asked what his plans were to “seal the deal”, Ian expressed to us that he’ll be a perfect gentleman.  “I’ll probably go scope out the chicks at the corset photo shoot and just pick a really pretty one.  I’ll invite her back to my room at the Artmore, maybe play some Magic the Gathering, and then to set the mood, I’ll put on some Haken or maybe even some chill Jeff Scott Soto.”

When I asked him what act he was looking forward to the most he replied, “I dunno, man.  The one from that country that plays those really sweet epic songs.”  Finally, when asked what he felt his chances were, Ian stated, “I think they’re in my favor.  This is the year, man.  Dude, I hope I at least get to neck with a girl or something at least.”


Former Cathedral Vocalist to Open The Lee Dorrian School of Dance This Winter!

After years of rumors and speculation, Over The Top Metal News has received word from an intern at RiseAbove Records that former Cathedral vocalist Lee Dorrian will be opening The Lee Dorrian School of Dance.  The school will open it’s first location in London this winter with other locations to follow in Berlin, Gothenberg, and Hoboken, New Jersey.  Over the Top reached out to Dorrian and this is what he had to say:

“Well first off, that bloody wanker intern has been fired.  Can’t keep his mouth shut for anything but yeah, I guess the cats outta the bag mate.  As you know, over the years I have perfected a series of dance moves and singers from that turd from Avenged Sevenfold on up to the great Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden have asked me, “Lee, how do you do those moves?”  I never really thought about it but the dance comes naturally to me.  I guess you can say I’m the metal Lord of the Dance.  You know, that Feet of Flames wanker Michael Flatley?  He’s got nothin on me.”

When I asked Lee what moves we could expect to learn and said, “Well, I can give you three examples to whet your pallet!”  You’ll learn the “C’mon N Get Summa This”, you’ll learn the “C’mon Lemme Hear Ya”, and of course the legendary “Hopkins Hop.”  I’m excited to have my pass the dance on to a whole new generation that hopefully make these moves as legendary as “The Twist”, “The Monkey”, and “The Macarena.””

 

The “C’mon N’ Get Summa This”

 

The C’mon Lemme Hear Ya

 

The Hopkins Hop

There has been no announcement as to when The Lee Dorrian School of Dance will start accepting students but for now, you can contact them for an admission application at:

Telephone: +44 (0) 207272 2755
Email: sales@riseaboverecords.com

Don’t ask me how to dial that fucking number here in the states.  It’s too confusing.  Fucking Brits.