I recently had the opportunity to speak with Tony Iommi on the telephone for a brief moment recently and it was a great time. Actually, I lied and told his publicist I was with Blabbermouth but just don’t say anything. Tony called and a bleak, rainy Thursday night from what I can imagine was a very dark room lit by nothing but candles and he sat in a throne like chair talking on one of those phones where yo hold one piece to your ear and you hold the other piece to your mouth and you talk into it. You know what I’m saying? Anyways, Tony and I talked about all kinds of stuff. We talked about Ozzy’s blown out voice, we talked about how Geezer Butler pretty much runs on AAA batteries, we talked about how much he missed Bill Ward, and we talked about his favorite Sabbath albums.
As we discussed his favorite Sabbath albums, Tony shocked me by saying, “I really loved Master of Reality and I love Eternal Idol a lot. It seems to be the hip thing these days to say that Vol 4 was our best but that album is for basic bitches.” I couldn’t believe my ears as he continued. “Yeah, Vol 4 is so basic and all the hipster metal kids claim to like it. I’d rather listen to Born Again. The lyrical work on that one is so bloody poetic. If you really want to be bloody edgy, tell people your favorite album is Forbidden. That shit will get you some serious “wuhhhhhhhhhht”s!”
Tony then figured out that I was not with Blabbermouth and then told me to go fuck off and hung up. Blabbermouth, please feel free to run this story if you want.
A suspicious shipping container was intercepted off of the coast of Florida. The container was bound for shipment to Atlanta, GA. When the security scan detected living beings in the crate, the crate was pulled aside for inspection.
When the authorities opened the crate for inspection they were shocked to find three European Prog metal bands. Authorities have chosen to not post the band’s names in order to protect their families and their labels. The musicians were clearly malnourished and left with nothing than an iPod filled with 80’s glam metal. The guitarists were delirious and only able to play G scales and a few sloppy arpeggios while the vocalists were attempting three part harmonies of “Sweet Child o’ Mine.”
Upon further investigation of the crate’s destination it was revealed to be in route to Mr. Glenn Harveston, promoter of Prog Power USA. Harveston refused to comment to the press but his wife threw frozen Eggo waffles while their dog pissed on the leg of a reporter.
At this moment, the investigation is still pending but it seems likely that charges will be pressed against Harveston. Metal vocalist Jeff Scott Soto (who was forced to purchase his own ticket for the festival this year) offered to once again step in and save the day.
No word as to if the festival will go on or if Jeff Scott Soto will be called upon to fill in.
In a dark corner of an Atlanta bar stands a lonely man just hanging out decked out in his finest rock n’ roll threads. His facial piercings are seriously on fleek, his clothes are tighter than a virgin’s vajayjay, and he’s sipping on his drink from his little plastic cup. He’s looking cool and he’s looking to be noticed… but nobody seems to care. Vera Niatpac, our Atlanta corresponant, was hanging in an Atlanta club one night and saw none other that this guy that she just couldn’t place. “Suddenly it hit me… THAT’S MORGAN ROSE OF SEVENDUST” says Niatpac.
Niatpac continues to recap the story: “Morgan Rose ventured to the middle of the room to see if he could get some attention and parked himself beside a couple who was just casually making out right next to him like he wasn’t even there. I tapped them on the shoulders and said, “Don’t you know who that is?” The guy wearing a Sevendust shirt looked at him and says, “No, who is he?” I yelled over the loud Stuck Mojo song blaring over the speakers, “That’s the drummer from Sevendust!” The guy, with a look of surprise turns around and says, “Hey dude, you’re in Avenged Sevenfold? That’s awesome!”, takes a selfie with him and walks away.”
“Rose just stood there dumbfounded and looked at me. I pretended to not see him. He approached me and says, “Hey, what’s up?” I didn’t know what to say so I just said, “Can I get another Miller Lite?” He just wandered back to the corner of the bar and proceeded to survey the room hoping someone would recognize him.”
According to Vera, Rose eventually did get noticed but it was just the bartender asking him if he was ready to settle up his bar tab.
In an off the cuff press conference televised via CNN-4 (The Quatro), President Trump shocked the metal world when he took to the podium to make the following speech:
“You know that Iron Maiden is the best. I know what the best is and like me, Iron Maiden is the best. They have the best music. Steve Harris? He’s phenomenal and Janick Gers? He has the best moves. Nobody has better stage moves than Janick. Nobody. But Iron Maiden has failed America with their recordings for far too long. Not mastering A Matter of Life and Death? What was that about? I told them, “Master that album and the numbers will be huge. Look what happened.”
Trump went on to say, “While The Final Frontier sounded pretty good, their other albums. Terrible. And those albums with Blaze Bayley? What a bald doof. Even my friend Kim and VP (Vladimir Putin) agree that there hasn’t been a great sounding album since “Fear of the Dark.” I want to make Iron Maiden great again so I am officially re-instating the great Martin Birch as producer for all future Iron Maiden recordings.”
Over The Top Metal News reached out to legendary producer Martin Birch about this and he said, “Well, Trump had me deported so he’s just gonna have to live with Kevin Shirley and is fucking earless, balless production style. Fuck that wanker and fuck Shirley as well” as he continued onto his 7th pint of Guinness from a pub in London.
We also reached out to Kevin Shirley for a comment and all he said was, “Yes, ‘arry.” We’re not quite sure what was up with that.
White Wizzard’s Jon Leon has announced that he will be releasing his new book, How To Succeed in Failing In the Music Business . Leon has signed an exclusive distribution deal with Dollar Tree where his book How To Succeed in Failing In the Music Business will be available on August 14th, 2018.
“I’m really stoked to have this book deal with Dollar Tree”, says Leon. “I couldn’t think of the more perfect place to exclusively sell my book. This book is going to have everything that you need to know to fail in the music business just has hard and relentless I did.”
How to Fail at the Music Business is going to feature chapters such as “How to Pose For Selfies”, “How to Post Frequently on Facebook”, and there are two very important chapters. “How to Hire and Lose a Singer Three Times is a great chapter to read. I mean, this is a must read. I managed to get Wyatt Anderson not one, not two, but three times. It’s truly a skill.” Another very important chapter in the book is “How to Successfully Not Follow Through on a Kickstarter Campaign.”
“I can’t give it all away”, says Leon, “but any and everyone knows that I am the king of Kickstarter campaigns. I probably owe about 45 shirts, 24 signed albums, and a shit ton of stickers in my call girl’s apartment yet I still managed to get all the money to make a couple of albums And how about that life time guest list? BOOM! Band’s broken up!”
You can read more about Jon Leon’s secret in How To Succeed in Failing In the Music Business when it comes out on August 14th at Dollar Tree’s nationwide. Leon will be holding a book signing at the Vine St. location in Los Angeles The signing begins at 9am. Call 323-871-8038 to RSVP.
Country Star Blake Shelton recently announced his plans to record and tour with his new death metal band, KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH. Over the Top reached out to Shelton for some details on this new project.
“Man, I’ve always loved me summa that there death metal. I mean, even summa them there death metal dudes made country albums. That hoss from Behindmeth (we think he means Behemoth) and that there dude from Morbid Angel did country albums so hell, why not. I assembled the best fucking band I could get. One of them dudes is so fucking good that he can’t move but can still play guitar better than Brad Paisley so go eat shit Bradley!”
KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH‘s debut album,”From the Depths of Hell’s Fryer” will be released in the fall and feature songs such as “Finger Fucking Good”, “Coors Light From a Skull”, “Sibling Death Orgy”, and an extreme metal cover of “Friends in Low Places.”
KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH is:
Blake Shelton: Vocals/Downtuned Acoustic Guitar
Mike Portnoy: Drums
Jason Becker: Guitar
Jon Leon: Bass Guitar/Twitter/Facebook/Instagram Posts