Exodus’ founding member/guitarist Gary Holt has been a very busy guy these days. Since the passing of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman, Holt has been filling the Hanneman slot on a full time basis which has been making hard to be present for the band that he actually formed and writes all the songs for, Exodus. Guitarist Kragen Lum had been filling in while Holt went off to make more money, play bigger shows, and ride in a nicer tour bus but because of Lum’s other commitments, it has led to Holt to make a huge decision. Gary Holt is going to sublet his position in Exodus.
That’s right folks. The role of lead guitarist in Exodus can be yours for $1,229.32 a month. The position is only a month to month position but does have some really cool amenities.
- Boarding on an old tour bus with broken AC and one working wiper blade.
- Bottom drafty bunk with broken TV.
- Lukewarm Deer Park bottled water (3 a day)
- Per diem of $3.99 a day.
- Ability to order up to 3 items off of McDonalds dollar menu
- A roadie to tune your guitars (instruments not included)
- Custom Exodus guitar pics with a “?” on the back where a name should go.
- Limited edition Exodus tour shirt with your name ironed on the back.
- Limited edition tour laminate that gets you to the stage and then to the back of the bus where you belong while the others rage backstage.
Along with this gig also comes responsibilities such as
- Shopping for hair products for Tom Hunting.
- Trimming and shaping Jack Gibson’s beard
- Fetching chicken wings for Zetro
- Carrying on a conversation with Lee Altus
- Doing the band’s laundry
- Just being fucking happy and feeling lucky to be there.
- Must be willing to be a drug mule when crossing over into Canada.
- Having to hear Gary Holt snicker and talk about how you’re not doing nearly as good a job as he could do.
Gary had this to say:
“Exodus is my baby and it will always be the most important thing to me unless Slayer needs me. Renting out my place is just a great way to give the opportunity of a life time for all of those that have dreamed of being in one of heavy metals biggest opening acts of all time. Between eating my high end sushi meals and getting my daily Swedish massage, I will be checking in just to make sure things are all running smoothly. As soon as Slayer decides that I’m too good a guitarist for them and lets me go I will return to my post as Exodus lead guitarist.”
All candidates should:
- Own at least two pointy guitars
- Hate the Kardashians
- Be able to play like you haven’t had a stroke
- Be able to play better than Gary Holt does in Slayer
- Have the money to pay for your slot up front (Check, Money Order, Paypal, or Bitcoin)
- Have long hair (receding hair lines are ok)
- Must not be any fatter than Rob Dukes was.
All interested guitarists should e-mail Exodus management firstname.lastname@example.org with “Sublet Gary Holt’s Position” in the subject line.