Thursday morning, the body of an unidentified metal blogger was found drowned in what authorities are calling, “a pool of the tears of bands this guy gave shitty reviews to.” The body had been there for a few days but the way they were able to tell he was a metal blogger was by the calloused fingers, the Iron Maiden t-shirt, grey boxer briefs, and ugly ass shoes.
“Apparently this guy really pissed off a lot of people and really said some mean things about these bands. Hell, If it’s who I think it is, he totally talked smack about my deathcore band, Anyalateur. I’m glad he’s fucking dead” said a police officer on the scene.
When asked if they could identify the body, all the officer said was, “No… but I can only hope it’s that motherfucker that runs Metal Sucks. That guy needs to eat a dick.”