How many times have you see Matt Pike and wondered, “Man, what fucking species is that guy?” Well, as a site that is always looking for new ways to break into the metal news world with the news that nobody else seems to care about, we decided to take it upon ourselves to see what we could do to finally answer the question: What in the living fuck is Matt Pike?
Scientific correspondent (yes, we have one of those) Kim Nielson recently attended a High on Fire show to see if she could collect a specimen for scientific analysis. Nielson says, “When Mr. Pike first took the stage I was just astounded at what a creature he was. Missing teeth, drenched in sweat before even playing the first song, and an odor that I can only describe as the smell of steaming liquor and cigarette smoke, I was in awe of this creature and was determined to find out just what species Matt Pike originates from.” Lucky for Dr. Nielson, it wasn’t hard to collect a specimen. “Matt Pike spits more than a 70’s era dip chewing baseball player so luckily I was able to catch a nice goopy wad in my specimen cup and get the hell out of there. I then delivered the specimen via over night to the CDC for further analysis and honestly, the outcome was horrifying.
CDC director Tom Frieden announced via a press conference yesterday that, “We have no fucking clue what the hell Matt Pike is. We ran is DNA through multiple, rigorous tests only to find out that they all came back inconclusive; unidentifiable. What we are dealing with here folks, in a nutshell, is that Matt Pike is it’s own living species and we can only hope that he is not going to be multiplying as this could really cause a health scare of unimaginable levels.”
When Dr. Nielson asked Matt Pike himself what he was, he just spit out a tooth, took a drag off of a cigarette and said, “Fuck Aerosmith. I have to potty.” and walked away.