BREAKING NEWS: Kyng Bassist Fired Due to Lack of Beard

Shocking news coming in to the Over the Top mail room today regarding Kyng bassist Tony Casteneda.  From a reliable source within the Kyng camp, it was revealed to us that bassist Tony Casteneda has been handed his walking papers due to his lack of beard.  Influenced by such beards as Tom Araya, Wino, and even mustache legends such as Graveyard and Tony Iommi, Kyng was finding it hard to more forward as Casteneda’s lack of beard was suddenly becoming a problem.  We reached out to Kyng drummer Pepe Clarke and this is what he had to say:

Yes, the beard is out of the bag.  We have indeed let Tony go.  His lack of beard was really becoming a problem and when we did our co-headlining tour with Crobot a couple of years ago, his smooth, prickly face just threw things off.  It’s really sad because his face has so much potential but it’s just not producing the output that we need to be a bearded band.

When asked if a replacement has been found, Clarke said, “We are auditioning beards as we speak.  We can’t name names at this point because there are so many great beards to choose from.  At this point, they don’t even have to know how to play the bass.  We’ll just give them a bass and have them stand there while we pipe in Tony’s pre-recorded bass lines but the beard must be on point… and full.  None of that spotty shit.

The band will continue on their current tour with stupid bro metal band Fozzy using a cardboard cutout of Tony with a drawn on beard until a replacement can be found.

We reached out to Tony Castendeda’s micro-mustache but it refused to comment.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: