Over The Top Metal News is the first to report that due to an IT Security breech at the North Pole, the naughty/nice list of the one and only Santa Clause has been leaked. We obtained a scan of the list and it looks like Sebastian Bach, Scott Ian, and Dave Mustaine are at the top of the naughty list which also includes Five Finger Death Punch, Volbeat, Ghost, and Erik Danielsson of Watain. We reached out to the North Pole and managed to get a hold of someone in the administration who requested to remain anonymous.
The representative said that Bach, Ian, and Mustaine would all be receiving coal because they are “not very nice people and actually, in all honesty, are big dumb assholes.” Erik Danielsson made the naughty list because he pretty much “fucks devil chicks and worships Satan.” When we asked why Ghost and Volbeat had made the list, he stated, “…because they make shitty fucking music and don’t even deserve coal.” When asked why he had such a filthy mouth, the admin person told us, “Go fuck yourselves. You’re getting coal too!” and hung up on us.
Merry Fucking Christmas to you too… asshole.
LA Guns Warming Up For Their 2017 Tour
It has been announced that LA Guns will hit the road in 2017 with no band members. We spoke with former/current/former LA Guns vocalist Phil Lewis and this is what he had to say.
“Well, so Tracii Guns quit LA Guns a long time ago as you know so it was me and Steve Riley and two other blokes. Then Riley quit and then I quit LA Guns to join LA Guns with Tracii Guns. But then I quit LA Guns. I woke up this morning not really sure where the fuck I am but I’m pretty sure I quit two different bands with same name three times meaning I’m not in a band. Then I see that LA Guns is going on tour but nobody’s in the band. I wish them luck.”
Also joining the bill will be Bobby Blotzer’s Ratt which features only Blotzer standing at the mic, drinking beer, and reminding the audience that at one time he played to 20,000 people a night.
Dates to be released soon.
Lu McMustton: Scientist, All Around Bad Ass, Metal as Fuck.
Who the fuck ever said that girls can’t kick ass? Well, not only can they kick ass at being kick ass, they can kick ass at being kick ass scientists. MIT student Lu McMustton has been attending the prestigious MIT where she’s not only an awesome scientist but an avid metal fan. “Don’t let my sweet demeanor throw you off”, says Lu. “I fucking love metal”, she says with a laugh. “The heavier the better but none of that death metal shit. Anyone can scream but it takes real talent to be Death Angel!” Lu has been a metal fan since she first hearing Metallica at the age of 4 in 1999. By the time she was truly old enough to dive into metal as a teenager, that was when she realized that there was a whole past life of heavy metal that she sadly missed out on.
“I totally missed the boat. It’s insane for me to think that there was a time where there was no Buckcherry, Korn wasn’t even a thought, and Metallica didn’t suck.” Lu longed for those days as she tirelessly listened to those classic metal albums and then it finally hit her. “I’ll go back in time” says Lu. For the last 4 1/2 years, Lu has worked 18 hours a day and finally came up with the appropriate algorithm to achieve time travel. She couldn’t give us the details on what the device was but according to Lu, “It sure as fuck isn’t a Delorean or a fucking phone booth whatever the fuck that is.”
So what is Lu planning to do now that she can travel back in time? “I’m going to go back to when Metallica didn’t suck. This bullshit that everyone is raving about lately. These songs are the best they’ve put out since what? Load? Fuck that. I want Ride the Lightning goddamnit. I want Cliff Fucking Burton and I’m gonna get it.” With this power though, will she try and alter time in the way things happened? “Yes” says Lu. “I’m gonna make sure that Cliff never gets on that bus. I’m also going to make sure that Limp Bizkit never happens and I’m going to push Ozzy over and make him bust his hip so that he REALLY has to retire.” When we asked if that was a bit brutal she said, “If it’s too brutal for you. You’re not fucking metal” and then threw a beaker at us.
Best of luck to Lu on her voyage. We asked to her make this site Blabbermouth but we’ll see if she comes through.
When news of Donald Trump securing the US presidency started making waves through the press, it didn’t take long for Swedish metal war historians Sabaton to gather together at Sabaton Headquarters and plot their boldest move yet: TAKE THE WHITE HOUSE BACK FOR AMERICA. When Sabaton returns to the US in 2017, they have more than just kicking your ass and melting your face in concert in mind… they are going to help all the good people take America back!
After Sabaton’s performance on May 22 in Silver Spring, MD, Sabaton will rally their troops and hop in the camouflaged tour bus for Washington, DC. Sabaton lead vocalist Joakim Broden says, “This will be one of the most epic take downs of all time. We love America and our American fans but we also know that America has been defeated by the monger Donald Trump! As you know, Sabaton has not one but TWO tanks. We will organize our selected troops to storm the White House as we perform on a bullet proof mobile stage along with Hannes’ (Van Dahl) tank drumriser. We will be performing “Ghost Division” “Uprising”, and “40:1″ as we mobilize towards the White House to take it back for the people. We will also be filming this monumental moment for a live DVD as yet to be titled. I am already writing the next album to be a conceptual album about the war against Donald Trump!”
When asked what kind of protection their “army” would have, Broden stated, “Are you fucking kidding? We are Sabaton! We will do anything for our fans. They will be suited with the finest battle gear known to mankind and plenty of Sabaton flags to fly high above the White House.”
To sign up, go to www.sabaton.net and please put “Draft for Trump Take Over” in the subject line.
It’s it… what is it?
How many times have you see Matt Pike and wondered, “Man, what fucking species is that guy?” Well, as a site that is always looking for new ways to break into the metal news world with the news that nobody else seems to care about, we decided to take it upon ourselves to see what we could do to finally answer the question: What in the living fuck is Matt Pike?
Scientific correspondent (yes, we have one of those) Kim Nielson recently attended a High on Fire show to see if she could collect a specimen for scientific analysis. Nielson says, “When Mr. Pike first took the stage I was just astounded at what a creature he was. Missing teeth, drenched in sweat before even playing the first song, and an odor that I can only describe as the smell of steaming liquor and cigarette smoke, I was in awe of this creature and was determined to find out just what species Matt Pike originates from.” Lucky for Dr. Nielson, it wasn’t hard to collect a specimen. “Matt Pike spits more than a 70’s era dip chewing baseball player so luckily I was able to catch a nice goopy wad in my specimen cup and get the hell out of there. I then delivered the specimen via over night to the CDC for further analysis and honestly, the outcome was horrifying.
CDC director Tom Frieden announced via a press conference yesterday that, “We have no fucking clue what the hell Matt Pike is. We ran is DNA through multiple, rigorous tests only to find out that they all came back inconclusive; unidentifiable. What we are dealing with here folks, in a nutshell, is that Matt Pike is it’s own living species and we can only hope that he is not going to be multiplying as this could really cause a health scare of unimaginable levels.”
When Dr. Nielson asked Matt Pike himself what he was, he just spit out a tooth, took a drag off of a cigarette and said, “Fuck Aerosmith. I have to potty.” and walked away.
Over the Top Metal News has just received word of a backstage ambush on Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian. Backstage after a recent Anthrax performance, it’s been reported that at an after show party, 2nd former Anthrax singer John Bush knelt down behind Scott Ian while 1st former Anthrax singer Neil Turbin pushed him over. Jack Muller, an attendee at the after party said, “I couldn’t believe it. It was just like a scene out of the 6th grade. Scott Ian was just standing there talking about how close he was to Dimebag Darrell and then I see John Bush sneak behind him and kneel down. I had no idea what was going on and then all of the sudden Neil Turbin walks over and says, “Good to see you little man” and then pushed him over. Scott’s Schwepps Ginger Ale went flying and he hit the ground hard.”
Muller than went on to say, “I just couldn’t believe it. Scott was just laying on the ground all fucked up and Joey Belladonna came running over and yelled, “HOW DO YA FEEEEEEEEEEL?”, laughed, and then ran off. It was seriously the most whack thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life.”
Over the Top Metal News reached out to Scott Ian’s management and all they had to say was, “Scott was indeed assaulted by John Bush and Neil Turbin backstage a few nights ago. We will take this with the authorities. They will definitely be forced to respect the badge and fear the gun that’s for sure.”
An inside source has revealed to Over the Top Metal News that Paramount Pictures up coming Land of the Lost reboot will feature none other than Queensryche vocalist, Todd LaTorre. LaTorre will have a major role as he portrays the now legendary midget caveman, Chaka. Executive producer Seth Rogan was so excited to not only be taking this classic back to the big screen but to work with LaTorre is a huge thrill for him.
“That last Land of the Lost reboot was so terrible”, says Rogan. “The characters were all wrong and nobody seemed to really look like the original characters. I happened to go to a Queensryche concert recently and when I realized that I wasn’t seeing Geoff Tate with them I was really pissed. Who’s this little shit on stage that looks like… and that’s when the idea hit me. I contacted his people immediately and pitched the idea to them and Todd was all game.”
Todd LaTorre as Chaka in Land of the Lost reboot.
“I’m really excited to be a part of this movie. It will take my art into a whole new realm. I strive to be taken seriously as an artist and as someone who gives his all to all he does.”
Rogan commented, “He can be really fucking annoying. He’s always trying to do vocal scales and shit and I just tell him, “Hey! Just play a midget caveman OK and shut your piehole.”
Look for Land of the Lost featuring Todd LaTorre in theaters, Spring of 2017.