Iron Maiden Introduces New Beer From Robinsons Brewery: Tears of Blaze Bitter Ale

Robinsons Brewery has announced another flavor to be joining the Iron Maiden beer family.  Bruce Dickinson partnered with Robinsons Brewery for the original Trooper Ale.  After it became a monumental success the brewery released two other beers: Hallowed and Light Brigade.  Joining the Iron Maiden beer family, Bruce Dickinson and Robinsons Brewery are proud to introduce their latest masterpiece:

Bruce Dickinson and Robinsons Brewery have announced that their new creation, TEARS OF BLAZE. When asked to describe the idea behind this beer, Bruce Dickinson had this to say:

“When Robinsons approached me after our successful Iron Maiden line about coming up with a new beer, I thought to myself, “What better beer than to come up with one honoring the fallen hero of Iron Maiden, Blaze Bayley.  I mean, he didn’t die or anything but the poor chap got canned.  After a night of drinking, ‘arry managed to capture his tears in a shot glass and save them for some odd reason.  When I found this out I thought it would be brilliant to add the tears of Blaze Bayley to the malt in order to honor him.

1/1o of the proceeds of each 12 pack sold will go towards the Blaze Bayley Hair Restoration Fund.  “Have you seen the bloke’s head?” said Dickinson.  “The poor sod looks like Pizza the Hutt from Space Balls.  I mean, I took the poor lad’s job.  It’s the least I can do for him.”  During a recent taste test, one drinker described the beer it detail:

Amber filtered with moderate carbonation, topped with 2 fingers of light amber head.

Smells very malt forward, with hints of caramel, black tea, citrus and failure.

Tastes very bitter and even had a depressive quality that pervades the last 2/3 of the palate. Slight acidity and saltiness (probably from the tears) to it as well.

Light body, moderate to low carbonation, felt absolutely beaten down by life after finishing it.

Tears of Blaze will be hitting stores Worldwide staring on April 1, 2o18.

 

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Alcoholism on the Rise At ProgPower: Crowd Driven to Drink Following Mike Portnoy’s 12 Step Suite

Last night at ProgPower was a night of absolute destruction following Mike Portnoy’s Shattered Fortress performance of his very humble and non-preachy “12 Step Suite.”  The crowd was all alive for the beginning of the performance then suddenly things started to happen.  I noticed people suddenly getting agitated, getting bored, and even nodding off when all of the sudden, somebody whipped out a flask full of Jamison and started passing it around.

Energee Sapphire – Now an alcoholic

ProgPower attendee Energee Sapphire says to me, “I don’t know what happened but all of the sudden I was suddenly driven to drink.  The noise, the music, the inflating of Mike Portnoy’s head on stage was just too much for me to handle.  Next thing I knew, everyone was drinking and passing out and even puking.  We tried to get Mike to stop but he just kept playing causing everyone to drink.  Now, here I am, 8:30am and I’m still drinking.  I am now an alcoholic thanks to Mike Portnoy.”

Similar stories popped up.  Zakk Mendoza said, “It was just so unbelievable.  One moment I was up against the stage yelling for “Pull Me Under” and the next thing I know I’m lying in a bathroom at DiVinci’s Pizza covered in my own piss and reeking of alcohol.  It’s fucking 9am on Saturday.  What the fuck, bro?

Zakk Mendoza Just 10 Minutes into 12 Step Suite

ProgPower Promoter Glenn Harveston refused to comment on this as he is currently fleeing the country to escape persecution for the disappointing 2018 line up.  As for Mike Portnoy, his “12 Step Suite” is now going to be considered illegal to perform due to this tragic epidemic that it has caused in Atlanta.

A director at the CDC who chose to remain nameless due to being a Freedom Call fan said, “There’s no need to believe that this is anything more than an isolated incident.  As long as Mr. Portnoy stops playing this horrible piece of music, this shouldn’t happen again.  As a matter of fact, we may work with Mr. Portnoy to see about getting them to play it backwards to see if it actually cures alcoholism.”


Will ProgPower Fan Lose His Virginity?: “This is the year!”, He Says.

Ian (far right) Is Ready To Lose It at ProgPower 2017

37 year old Ian Schandierk from Billings, Montana is attending his 10th ProgPowerUSA festival in Atlanta, GA this weekend.  While he is “beyond stoked” to be there seeing a bunch of bands he’s pretending that he’s heard of (like everyone else in attendance), he is also psyched about another thing:  Losing his virginity.

“It’s been a long time coming” says Ian.  “I have been attending these festivals for 10 years and I’m always too shy to approach the girls at the shows but this year, I lost 3 lbs and switched over from Craft Beer to Miller Lite so I’m feeling pretty good about myself.”  When asked what his plans were to “seal the deal”, Ian expressed to us that he’ll be a perfect gentleman.  “I’ll probably go scope out the chicks at the corset photo shoot and just pick a really pretty one.  I’ll invite her back to my room at the Artmore, maybe play some Magic the Gathering, and then to set the mood, I’ll put on some Haken or maybe even some chill Jeff Scott Soto.”

When I asked him what act he was looking forward to the most he replied, “I dunno, man.  The one from that country that plays those really sweet epic songs.”  Finally, when asked what he felt his chances were, Ian stated, “I think they’re in my favor.  This is the year, man.  Dude, I hope I at least get to neck with a girl or something at least.”


Former Cathedral Vocalist to Open The Lee Dorrian School of Dance This Winter!

After years of rumors and speculation, Over The Top Metal News has received word from an intern at RiseAbove Records that former Cathedral vocalist Lee Dorrian will be opening The Lee Dorrian School of Dance.  The school will open it’s first location in London this winter with other locations to follow in Berlin, Gothenberg, and Hoboken, New Jersey.  Over the Top reached out to Dorrian and this is what he had to say:

“Well first off, that bloody wanker intern has been fired.  Can’t keep his mouth shut for anything but yeah, I guess the cats outta the bag mate.  As you know, over the years I have perfected a series of dance moves and singers from that turd from Avenged Sevenfold on up to the great Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden have asked me, “Lee, how do you do those moves?”  I never really thought about it but the dance comes naturally to me.  I guess you can say I’m the metal Lord of the Dance.  You know, that Feet of Flames wanker Michael Flatley?  He’s got nothin on me.”

When I asked Lee what moves we could expect to learn and said, “Well, I can give you three examples to whet your pallet!”  You’ll learn the “C’mon N Get Summa This”, you’ll learn the “C’mon Lemme Hear Ya”, and of course the legendary “Hopkins Hop.”  I’m excited to have my pass the dance on to a whole new generation that hopefully make these moves as legendary as “The Twist”, “The Monkey”, and “The Macarena.””

 

The “C’mon N’ Get Summa This”

 

The C’mon Lemme Hear Ya

 

The Hopkins Hop

There has been no announcement as to when The Lee Dorrian School of Dance will start accepting students but for now, you can contact them for an admission application at:

Telephone: +44 (0) 207272 2755
Email: sales@riseaboverecords.com

Don’t ask me how to dial that fucking number here in the states.  It’s too confusing.  Fucking Brits.


Smithsonian Adds Former L.A. Guns Drummer Steve Riley to Latest Archaeological Findings

Former W.A.S.P drummer Steve Riley has been added to the Smithsonian Institutes Archaeological Department for carbon dating and extensive research.  Smithsonian scientist Jonathan Kidd told Over the Top Metal News, “This is one of the most remarkable findings hands down.  I mean, this guy is old.  REALLY old.  How old?  We’re not sure but this just may be the first living, breathing mummy that the world has ever known that isn’t in a horror movie.  It’s remarkable.”

When asked what the Smithsonian plans to do with Riley, Kidd replied, “We are going to try our best to get to the bottom of this mystery.  All he seems to live on is cheap whiskey and cigarettes so as long as we keep him pumped with those, we can poke and prod all day.  We have already done some carbon dating on Riley and it’s my guess that the results will come back that he was hand drummer in Egypt sometime around 3000 BC.  How he’s still alive is baffling us here at the institute.”

Riley was recent ousted from the newly reunited L.A. Guns probably because he’s way old and they don’t wanna be seen with any ugly old dude.


BREAKING NEWS: Kyng Bassist Fired Due to Lack of Beard

Shocking news coming in to the Over the Top mail room today regarding Kyng bassist Tony Casteneda.  From a reliable source within the Kyng camp, it was revealed to us that bassist Tony Casteneda has been handed his walking papers due to his lack of beard.  Influenced by such beards as Tom Araya, Wino, and even mustache legends such as Graveyard and Tony Iommi, Kyng was finding it hard to more forward as Casteneda’s lack of beard was suddenly becoming a problem.  We reached out to Kyng drummer Pepe Clarke and this is what he had to say:

Yes, the beard is out of the bag.  We have indeed let Tony go.  His lack of beard was really becoming a problem and when we did our co-headlining tour with Crobot a couple of years ago, his smooth, prickly face just threw things off.  It’s really sad because his face has so much potential but it’s just not producing the output that we need to be a bearded band.

When asked if a replacement has been found, Clarke said, “We are auditioning beards as we speak.  We can’t name names at this point because there are so many great beards to choose from.  At this point, they don’t even have to know how to play the bass.  We’ll just give them a bass and have them stand there while we pipe in Tony’s pre-recorded bass lines but the beard must be on point… and full.  None of that spotty shit.

The band will continue on their current tour with stupid bro metal band Fozzy using a cardboard cutout of Tony with a drawn on beard until a replacement can be found.

We reached out to Tony Castendeda’s micro-mustache but it refused to comment.


Nikki Sixx To Be Honored As Poet Laureate by Mrs. Williams’ 10th Grade Literature Class

It was announced this morning that former Motley Crue bassist/songwriter Nikki Sixx would be receiving a prestigious award this week.  This week, Mr. Sixx will be honored as Poet Laureate by Mrs. William’s 10th grade literature class at Crenshaw Senior High.  Mrs. Williams (who is now a 50 year old literature high school teacher) was (and still is) a huge Motley Crue fan.  Often quoting the works of lyricist Nikki Sixx in her class, Mrs. Williams believes that Nikki Sixx is a poetic genius.

“How can you even deny the genius that Nikki Sixx truly is?” says Mrs. Williams.  “Nikki is without a doubt one of the most over looked poets of our lifetime.  “Touch my gun but don’t pull my trigger.  Let’s make history in the elevator.”  Or how about, “Trick or treat-sweet to eat. On Halloween and New Year’s Eve.  Yankee girls ya just can’t be beat.  But they’re the best when they’re off their feet.”?  That is just brilliant.

Mrs. Williams also added, “Nikki Sixx’s ability to make words rhyme and to capture a moment are what makes him such a great poet.  That is why my class and I decided to award Mr. Sixx with our annual Poet Laureate award.  He should forever be viewed as a true artist and a poetic genius.  Besides, have you read the Heroin Diaries?  That is some class A writing.  So deep.”

When asked what her personal favorite poetic line was, she quoted, “She’s got sassy class.  Bring you to your knees when she shakes her ass.”  When asked why, she just winked and said, “Well… that’s personal but it has sometime to do with being backstage after a show in on the Theater of Pain tour.  Ok, I’ve said enough.”