In an off the cuff press conference televised via CNN-4 (The Quatro), President Trump shocked the metal world when he took to the podium to make the following speech:
“You know that Iron Maiden is the best. I know what the best is and like me, Iron Maiden is the best. They have the best music. Steve Harris? He’s phenomenal and Janick Gers? He has the best moves. Nobody has better stage moves than Janick. Nobody. But Iron Maiden has failed America with their recordings for far too long. Not mastering A Matter of Life and Death? What was that about? I told them, “Master that album and the numbers will be huge. Look what happened.”
Trump went on to say, “While The Final Frontier sounded pretty good, their other albums. Terrible. And those albums with Blaze Bayley? What a bald doof. Even my friend Kim and VP (Vladimir Putin) agree that there hasn’t been a great sounding album since “Fear of the Dark.” I want to make Iron Maiden great again so I am officially re-instating the great Martin Birch as producer for all future Iron Maiden recordings.”
Over The Top Metal News reached out to legendary producer Martin Birch about this and he said, “Well, Trump had me deported so he’s just gonna have to live with Kevin Shirley and is fucking earless, balless production style. Fuck that wanker and fuck Shirley as well” as he continued onto his 7th pint of Guinness from a pub in London.
We also reached out to Kevin Shirley for a comment and all he said was, “Yes, ‘arry.” We’re not quite sure what was up with that.
Breaking news from the Over the Top Newsroom. Due to President-elect Donald Trump’s immigration ban, all of the European bands scheduled to perform at the 2017 ProgPower Festival in Atlanta, GA have decided to cancel their performances. We contacted festival organizer Glen Hareveston about this but he was unable to talk to us because of suffering a stress-induced panic attack. We did, however, receive an email from a ProgPower representative assuring us that the show will go on. The email said this:
“ProgPower will go on! ProgPower prides itself as being a festival for the fans. While we understand the need to protest President Trump’s immigration ban, we also have a show to run and we are excited to announce that Jeff Scott Soto will be stepping in to save the day, or two days I should say, once again. Jeff Scott Soto will perform every song from every one of his bands taking only a 10-minute break in between sets.”
Jeff Scott Soto says, “I am ecstatic to once again step in and save the day for ProgPower! I mean, the people are going to get two days of Jeff Scott Soto. What doesn’t rule about that? I can’t wait to get back to Atlanta and melt some faces! ProgPower forever!”
This year’s ProgPower festival also is to feature an appearance by former Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy where he will just play his drums for two hours while the crowd basks in the glory of his presence. Due to the inability of the venue to accommodate his head, Portnoy’s set will take place on the roof of the adjacent parking deck. Indoor tickets will still be honored for this performance.
When news of Donald Trump securing the US presidency started making waves through the press, it didn’t take long for Swedish metal war historians Sabaton to gather together at Sabaton Headquarters and plot their boldest move yet: TAKE THE WHITE HOUSE BACK FOR AMERICA. When Sabaton returns to the US in 2017, they have more than just kicking your ass and melting your face in concert in mind… they are going to help all the good people take America back!
After Sabaton’s performance on May 22 in Silver Spring, MD, Sabaton will rally their troops and hop in the camouflaged tour bus for Washington, DC. Sabaton lead vocalist Joakim Broden says, “This will be one of the most epic take downs of all time. We love America and our American fans but we also know that America has been defeated by the monger Donald Trump! As you know, Sabaton has not one but TWO tanks. We will organize our selected troops to storm the White House as we perform on a bullet proof mobile stage along with Hannes’ (Van Dahl) tank drumriser. We will be performing “Ghost Division” “Uprising”, and “40:1″ as we mobilize towards the White House to take it back for the people. We will also be filming this monumental moment for a live DVD as yet to be titled. I am already writing the next album to be a conceptual album about the war against Donald Trump!”
When asked what kind of protection their “army” would have, Broden stated, “Are you fucking kidding? We are Sabaton! We will do anything for our fans. They will be suited with the finest battle gear known to mankind and plenty of Sabaton flags to fly high above the White House.”
To sign up, go to www.sabaton.net and please put “Draft for Trump Take Over” in the subject line.
Virginia based metal band Municipal Waste seems to have caused quite a stir with Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump. Earlier this year, Municipal Waste released a shirt depicting Donald Trump shooting himself in the head. To and insult to injury, Municipal Waste had the same image blown up larger than life and used it as their backdrop at some recent live shows. The Donald himself got wind of this and Over The Top Metal News sent out a correspondent to his most recent press conference at Cracker Barrel in South Georgia.
“I don’t know who this Municipal Waste is. I thought they were those illegal Mexican trash collectors but then I found out that they were a band. Well, I saw the shirt and I saw your big poster behind your stage and let me tell you, it’s huge. I hate it. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen since Ben Carson not remembering he ran for president. Here’s the deal fellas. If I am elected president, I am going to build a wall around these Municipal Waste clowns so that they can’t pollute our beautiful country. This wall is gonna be huge. I’m tellin’ ya. We’re gonna make America great again and I’ll even make metal music great again by ridding the US of these crummy dorks.”
The Donald also even went as far as to Tweet this:
Over The Top Metal News reached out to Municipal Waste lead singer Tony Foresta and he had this to say:
“Wow dude. Like, that’s pretty fucking rad. Did Trump really say that? Man, if he builds this wall around us my mom will be uber pissed.”
Lead guitarist Ryan Waste couldn’t be woken up from his Pabst Blue Ribbon induced coma for a comment.
Just in time for Super Tuesday, it has been announced the former Pantera vocalist and current white supremacist, Phillip H. Anselmo is endorsing Republican presidential candidate, Donald Trump. In addition to this announcement, because of his open hatred of other races, creeds, and proper grammar, the Ku Klux Klan has awarded Anselmo with the coveted White Hood of Courage. Anselmo had this to say about his current honor:
“It is an extremed honor and privileged to be given this White Hood of Courage from the Krul Klux Klan. Krul? Kru? Oh who gives a fuck? The white race is under attack and we need to stand up against this. I mean, except for that black dude from Living Color. He said some nice shit about me and he’s pretty dope but most of those others are just worthless. Wait, and Jimi Hendrix was kind of cool too. As a matter of fact, I’m starting to think I don’t dislike blacks. Maybe I hate black beard dye since that’s what that fat fuck Vince Paul uses to color his fat fucking face.”
As for his backing of Donald Trump:
“Trump is the real mother fucking deal. He’s showcasing a vulgar display of political power. He’s going to build a wall to keep all of those gross foreigners out of our amazing country. Wait, someone just told me that if this happens, we’ll have no more Mexican food in this country. Man, this is starting to get fucking complicated. Does this mean no more Taco Bell as well? I do love me some motherfucking Taco Bell. Is it hot in here? Goddamn this motherfucking robe is suffocating me. New Superjoint album dropping in 2016. WHITE POWER!”