Tag Archives: Mike Portnoy

Country Star Blake Shelton Announces New Death Metal Supergroup: KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH

Country Star Blake Shelton recently announced his plans to record and tour with his new death metal band, KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH.  Over the Top reached out to Shelton for some details on this new project.

“Man, I’ve always loved me summa that there death metal.  I mean, even summa them there death metal dudes made country albums.  That hoss from Behindmeth (we think he means Behemoth) and that there dude from Morbid Angel did country albums so hell, why not.  I assembled the best fucking band I could get.  One of them dudes is so fucking good that he can’t move but can still play guitar better than Brad Paisley so go eat shit Bradley!”

KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH‘s debut album,”From the Depths of Hell’s Fryer” will be released in the fall and feature songs such as “Finger Fucking Good”, “Coors Light From a Skull”, “Sibling Death Orgy”, and an extreme metal cover of “Friends in Low Places.”

KENTRUCKY FRIED DEATH is:
Blake Shelton: Vocals/Downtuned Acoustic Guitar
Mike Portnoy: Drums
Jason Becker: Guitar
Abbath: Guitar
Jon Leon: Bass Guitar/Twitter/Facebook/Instagram Posts

 

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Alcoholism on the Rise At ProgPower: Crowd Driven to Drink Following Mike Portnoy’s 12 Step Suite

Last night at ProgPower was a night of absolute destruction following Mike Portnoy’s Shattered Fortress performance of his very humble and non-preachy “12 Step Suite.”  The crowd was all alive for the beginning of the performance then suddenly things started to happen.  I noticed people suddenly getting agitated, getting bored, and even nodding off when all of the sudden, somebody whipped out a flask full of Jamison and started passing it around.

Energee Sapphire – Now an alcoholic

ProgPower attendee Energee Sapphire says to me, “I don’t know what happened but all of the sudden I was suddenly driven to drink.  The noise, the music, the inflating of Mike Portnoy’s head on stage was just too much for me to handle.  Next thing I knew, everyone was drinking and passing out and even puking.  We tried to get Mike to stop but he just kept playing causing everyone to drink.  Now, here I am, 8:30am and I’m still drinking.  I am now an alcoholic thanks to Mike Portnoy.”

Similar stories popped up.  Zakk Mendoza said, “It was just so unbelievable.  One moment I was up against the stage yelling for “Pull Me Under” and the next thing I know I’m lying in a bathroom at DiVinci’s Pizza covered in my own piss and reeking of alcohol.  It’s fucking 9am on Saturday.  What the fuck, bro?

Zakk Mendoza Just 10 Minutes into 12 Step Suite

ProgPower Promoter Glenn Harveston refused to comment on this as he is currently fleeing the country to escape persecution for the disappointing 2018 line up.  As for Mike Portnoy, his “12 Step Suite” is now going to be considered illegal to perform due to this tragic epidemic that it has caused in Atlanta.

A director at the CDC who chose to remain nameless due to being a Freedom Call fan said, “There’s no need to believe that this is anything more than an isolated incident.  As long as Mr. Portnoy stops playing this horrible piece of music, this shouldn’t happen again.  As a matter of fact, we may work with Mr. Portnoy to see about getting them to play it backwards to see if it actually cures alcoholism.”


European Bands Protest Trump’s Immigration Ban by Cancelling ProgPower Appearances! Jeff Scott Soto to Save the Day… Again!

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Breaking news from the Over the Top Newsroom.  Due to President-elect Donald Trump’s immigration ban, all of the European bands scheduled to perform at the 2017 ProgPower Festival in Atlanta, GA have decided to cancel their performances.  We contacted festival organizer Glen Hareveston about this but he was unable to talk to us because of suffering a stress-induced panic attack.  We did, however, receive an email from a ProgPower representative assuring us that the show will go on.  The email said this:

“ProgPower will go on!  ProgPower prides itself as being a festival for the fans.  While we understand the need to protest President Trump’s immigration ban, we also have a show to run and we are excited to announce that Jeff Scott Soto will be stepping in to save the day, or two days I should say, once again.  Jeff Scott Soto will perform every song from every one of his bands taking only a 10-minute break in between sets.”

Jeff Scott Soto says, “I am ecstatic to once again step in and save the day for ProgPower!  I mean, the people are going to get two days of Jeff Scott Soto.  What doesn’t rule about that?  I can’t wait to get back to Atlanta and melt some faces!  ProgPower forever!”

This year’s ProgPower festival also is to feature an appearance by former Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy where he will just play his drums for two hours while the crowd basks in the glory of his presence.  Due to the inability of the venue to accommodate his head, Portnoy’s set will take place on the roof of the adjacent parking deck.  Indoor tickets will still be honored for this performance.


Five Finger Death Punch to Headline 2014 Summer’s Eve Metal Fest

DoucheRock and metal festivals are doing quite well for themselves and for the artists that perform at them.  For the price of one ticket you get to see multiple acts usually giving the fans a full stage production and a lot of bang for their buck.  Joining the ranks of such festivals as the Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival, The Uproar Festival, and the Lollapalooza festival in 2014 will be the Summer’s Even Metal Festival.  The Summer’s Eve Metal Festival was the brainchild of Summer’s Eve marketing director Harry Panocha.  We contacted Panocha about the 2014 Summer’s Eve Metal Festival to get the scoop on the festival and what we can expect from it.

“When I took my 14 year old son Mojado to this summer’s Mayhem Festival, I was blown away by the caliber of artists.  I was also floored at how many kids were out there having a great time in the sun, kicking up dust in the mosh pit, and enjoying freebies from vendors and I just couldn’t believe that this wasn’t something Summer’s Eve had tapped into yet.  I reach out to a handful of bands such as Papa Roach, HellYeah!, and Avenged Sevenfold, all of who I thought would be perfect for the Summer’s Eve Metal Festival and all of them were really excited to be a part of it!  The only one that didn’t seem into it all was Rob Zombie.  He told us to fuck off.  The most exciting part of it all is that Five Finger Death Punch will be headlining all dates on this tour and I couldn’t think of a better band to carry the Summer’s Eve name.  The festival will hit major cities with an amphitheater so be ready to rock!”

Lead singer for the festival’s headlining band Five Finger Death Punch had this to say:

“Being a part of the 2014 Summer’s Eve Metal Fest is an honor and I can’t think of a better name to represent the Death Punch!  We are looking forward to killing all the posers out there, drinking a bunch of beers and maybe fucking other guys girlfriend’s backstage while they wait out at the car for us to finish with them.  This is how the Death Punch rolls and we will be rolling through your town on the 2014 Summer’s Eve Metal Fest so be ready son!”

On sale dates and tour dates for the 2014 Summer’s Eve Metal Festival will be revealed soon and tickets can be purchased at all ticket outlets online and in person!

Stay Tuned for more info!


Winery Dogs Cancel Tour Due To Venues Inability To Accommodate Mike Portnoy’s Head

thewinerydogsThe somewhat super group Winery Dogs (featuring bassist Billy Sheehan (David Lee Roth/Mr. Big), guitarist/vocalist Richie Kotzen (Poison/Guitar for the Practicing Musician want ads), and drummer Mike Portnoy (the guy no longer wanted by Dream Theater) have announced that their most recent tour has been cancelled because of the small venues that they are playing.  The venues (mostly clubs) have all been said to be unable to accommodate drummer Mike Portnoy’s head.  Billy Sheehan has  released this statement:

“We’re so sorry that Winery Dogs have had to cancel our recent tour due to the inability to accommodate Mike Portnoy’s head.  We’ve done all we can to make this work.  Portnoy even got his own bus in order to accommodate his ginormous noggin’ but unfortunately the venues just can’t fit him into their tiny rooms.  Until we can play bigger venues to house his head, we will have to cancel our tour.  Rest assure that we will eventually reschedule because ever since Dream Theater flat out said they don’t want him back in the band, the size of his head is decreasing at a pretty steady pace.  With this band not succeeding very much, in no time his head will be back to normal and we’ll be hitting your town soon!  Thanks for being patient!”

Mike Portnoy’s head couldn’t be reached for comment but it’s PR person did send us a form email and an autographed JPEG suitable for framing.

Hang in there Winery Dogs fans!  Hang in there.