Last night at ProgPower was a night of absolute destruction following Mike Portnoy’s Shattered Fortress performance of his very humble and non-preachy “12 Step Suite.” The crowd was all alive for the beginning of the performance then suddenly things started to happen. I noticed people suddenly getting agitated, getting bored, and even nodding off when all of the sudden, somebody whipped out a flask full of Jamison and started passing it around.
Energee Sapphire – Now an alcoholic
ProgPower attendee Energee Sapphire says to me, “I don’t know what happened but all of the sudden I was suddenly driven to drink. The noise, the music, the inflating of Mike Portnoy’s head on stage was just too much for me to handle. Next thing I knew, everyone was drinking and passing out and even puking. We tried to get Mike to stop but he just kept playing causing everyone to drink. Now, here I am, 8:30am and I’m still drinking. I am now an alcoholic thanks to Mike Portnoy.”
Similar stories popped up. Zakk Mendoza said, “It was just so unbelievable. One moment I was up against the stage yelling for “Pull Me Under” and the next thing I know I’m lying in a bathroom at DiVinci’s Pizza covered in my own piss and reeking of alcohol. It’s fucking 9am on Saturday. What the fuck, bro?
Zakk Mendoza Just 10 Minutes into 12 Step Suite
ProgPower Promoter Glenn Harveston refused to comment on this as he is currently fleeing the country to escape persecution for the disappointing 2018 line up. As for Mike Portnoy, his “12 Step Suite” is now going to be considered illegal to perform due to this tragic epidemic that it has caused in Atlanta.
A director at the CDC who chose to remain nameless due to being a Freedom Call fan said, “There’s no need to believe that this is anything more than an isolated incident. As long as Mr. Portnoy stops playing this horrible piece of music, this shouldn’t happen again. As a matter of fact, we may work with Mr. Portnoy to see about getting them to play it backwards to see if it actually cures alcoholism.”
Ian (far right) Is Ready To Lose It at ProgPower 2017
37 year old Ian Schandierk from Billings, Montana is attending his 10th ProgPowerUSA festival in Atlanta, GA this weekend. While he is “beyond stoked” to be there seeing a bunch of bands he’s pretending that he’s heard of (like everyone else in attendance), he is also psyched about another thing: Losing his virginity.
“It’s been a long time coming” says Ian. “I have been attending these festivals for 10 years and I’m always too shy to approach the girls at the shows but this year, I lost 3 lbs and switched over from Craft Beer to Miller Lite so I’m feeling pretty good about myself.” When asked what his plans were to “seal the deal”, Ian expressed to us that he’ll be a perfect gentleman. “I’ll probably go scope out the chicks at the corset photo shoot and just pick a really pretty one. I’ll invite her back to my room at the Artmore, maybe play some Magic the Gathering, and then to set the mood, I’ll put on some Haken or maybe even some chill Jeff Scott Soto.”
When I asked him what act he was looking forward to the most he replied, “I dunno, man. The one from that country that plays those really sweet epic songs.” Finally, when asked what he felt his chances were, Ian stated, “I think they’re in my favor. This is the year, man. Dude, I hope I at least get to neck with a girl or something at least.”
Breaking news from the Over the Top Newsroom. Due to President-elect Donald Trump’s immigration ban, all of the European bands scheduled to perform at the 2017 ProgPower Festival in Atlanta, GA have decided to cancel their performances. We contacted festival organizer Glen Hareveston about this but he was unable to talk to us because of suffering a stress-induced panic attack. We did, however, receive an email from a ProgPower representative assuring us that the show will go on. The email said this:
“ProgPower will go on! ProgPower prides itself as being a festival for the fans. While we understand the need to protest President Trump’s immigration ban, we also have a show to run and we are excited to announce that Jeff Scott Soto will be stepping in to save the day, or two days I should say, once again. Jeff Scott Soto will perform every song from every one of his bands taking only a 10-minute break in between sets.”
Jeff Scott Soto says, “I am ecstatic to once again step in and save the day for ProgPower! I mean, the people are going to get two days of Jeff Scott Soto. What doesn’t rule about that? I can’t wait to get back to Atlanta and melt some faces! ProgPower forever!”
This year’s ProgPower festival also is to feature an appearance by former Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy where he will just play his drums for two hours while the crowd basks in the glory of his presence. Due to the inability of the venue to accommodate his head, Portnoy’s set will take place on the roof of the adjacent parking deck. Indoor tickets will still be honored for this performance.
After a very stressful 2015 including countless cancellations, bad catering, dog shit on his desk, and Jeff Scott Soto, ProgPower promoter Glen Harveston has announced that ProgPower is no more. Harveston had this to say:
“Fuck prog music. All of these prog bands have caused me some serious, serious damage. Anubis Gate gave me a kidney stone, Hibria caused me to lose hair, and fucking Jorn Lande has pretty much given me permenant anxiety and he hasn’t even been on a fest lineup since 2006! I’m so done with this. I’ve had a good ride but it’s time to make another mark on Atlanta. This time, that mark will be made by lipstick!”
Over the Top Metal News has learned the Harveston and Co. were planning to release the line up on the last night of ProgPower USA this year but Over The Top Metal News has managed to get the full two day line up for GlamPower USA 1. Many Over the Top spies died to bring us this information…
GlamPower USA I
September 23rd & 24th, 2015
Warrant (special guest: Jani Lane hologram)
Enuff Z’ Nuff (performing Strength in it’s entirety)
Gorky Park (performing their only album that anyone cared about… visa pending)
Kik Tracee (special reunion show)
Tuff (featuring all new members)
Krokus (performing Change of Address in it’s entirety)
Vandenburg (special fan request show)
Britny Fox (special reunion show w/ Dizzy Dean Davidson)
Nelson (performing After the Rain in it’s entirety)
Pretty Boy Floyd
VIP Badges and General Admission Tickets will be available at all Ticketmaster outlets THIS FRIDAY! This is a festival not to be missed! Also, don’t forget to sign up for Jim Gillette’s Metal Method Vocal Power workshop, Pretty Boy Floyd’s make up application seminar, sponsored by Ulta 3 Cosmetics store, and Chip Z’ Nuff’s Professional Resume Preparing Workshop.